Sister: I'll be so angry if I were ordered from the USA

Me: Huh?

Sister: You know mail order brides?

Me: Yeah...

Sister: If I were forced to be one, I'd be so super irritated.

You so ugly, that MTV wants to put you on their new show, Pimp My Face.

My mother is a very proper person. She doesn’t like people talking about vomit or other expulsions of the human body. She won’t even tolerate an “ew” at the table. And the only swearing that she allows is swearing to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you Mom. But something happened today that threw her circuits completely out of whack. This is what she said during dinner.

“You know today on the bus home, there was this girl and 2 guys, from the Singapore American school I think. Wah, they were talking normally but they said fuck and shit in every sentence. Fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit, every sentence has at least one fuck. Some have two fucks. Sometimes they use fuck and shit together. I never heard people say fuck or shit so many times.”

This was quite a stunner. I couldn’t stop laughing. Admittedly, she wasn’t swearing, but it is a dramatic change from seventeen years of purity to fucks in every sentence.

Expats are an imported breed here, but I saw something today that shows exactly how much they are in demand. There's this giant black and yellow sign on a window at Balmoral Plaza, and it says Expat Rentals. I suppose now the government has made foreign talent sound so attractive that everyone wants one. Maybe they have different rates for expats. Like your common garden expat, the one with blonde hair, suit, drinks and exclaims alot would set you back $50 an hour. Then the ones who know how to eat Hokkien Mee, live in HDB flats and ride their uncle Bob's bicycle will cost twice as much because they are so scarce. The sunburnt ones will be on discount.

I was on the bus outside the stop at Far East Plaza, and I saw this big-nosed French guy hesitate around this woman whose long hair was hiding her faced. He circled a bit, and peered at her, kind of like a dog deciding whether or not to pee at a fire hydrant. So he decides that he will pick her up, and sits down next to her, startles her with his loud voice, then smiles alot. The woman looks rather flattered, and starts talking to him when really what she should be doing is telling the sod to bugger off. But who knows? It could be the start of something beautiful. And romantic. And that is so strong and deep that he will freeze his butt off while she lies on a floating door in the middle of the Atlantic after their ship smashes into the iceberg. Nah.

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. " - Mark Twain

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of the black box stuff?" -Steve Wright

"Life is a sexually trasmitted disease where the mortality rateis 100%"- R.D. Laing

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest." Rowan Atkinson.

Some people know how to say everything.

I have nothing against psychologists. I do have something against machine-generated psychology reports that cost 50 dollars and an hour of my time. Hence, it is time to make fun of the 16PF report. It's conclusions are as follows.

• Ms Chan is an unmitigated bimbo. "She can become so focused and tuned in to her ideas that some people may believe that she is not thinking as clearly as she could"
• Ms Chan should join the ranks of Hitler, Napoleon, Brezhnev and Brain (trademark Warner Bros) "She likes to grapple directly with most problem situations in order to build an organization dependent upon strong leadership (me, i suppose), and cooperative subordinates. (you other people)
• Julie is a bitch. "Ms Chan is normally inclined to state her desires clearly and forcefully."
• She is on the brink of a nervous breakdown. "Ms Chan's profile patterns indicate that she may be experiencing enough personal concerns about herself to benefit from seeking helpful and supportive professional counseling.
• Ms Chan, the rebel. "She needs to guard against the effect of showing too little interest in living up to the standards that society values, or doing what is expected of other people."

It also appears to be time to consider a career in the library, a liberal arts college, or in elected public office. I am also similar to dentists, computer programmers and geologists. My personal lifestyle patterns indicate that we will all get along famously.

Smashing.